Gandalf the Goddess
by meatball1
Summary: Rated PG-13 for violence and suggestive scenes. Gandalf is old and thinks he is a goddess. What will the Hobbits do and how will Gandalf react? Please R&R!


Disclaimer: These characters are not mine *sniff*  
  
Warning: Extreme violence and odd scenes. If you don't like it, don't read it.  
  
Gandalf the Goddess  
  
"No!!!" cried Pippin and Merry as Frodo was taken from their arms and lifted into the sky by the tornado. How did this happen? It all began in the Shire earlier that day.  
  
*****  
  
Gandalf had grown older but not the least bit wiser, in fact some say he lost a lot of wisdom. Since that time many things had gone wrong with him: not knowing where he was or who he was with, hallucinations, sudden sleep patterns, and thinking he was something he was not.  
  
For a while the four Hobbits, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and Sam, had dealt with these problems but after six years they started to get annoyed.  
  
*****  
  
The foursome were at Bag End drinking Ale when Gandalf poofed into Bag End.  
  
"Hi." Gandalf said plainly behind Pippin.  
  
"Gah!" Pippin jumped and spilled his beloved Ale. 'You old Fart! Don't do that!'  
  
"Sorry, but I must tell you something of great importance. You may want to sit down."  
  
The Hobbits looked around at each other. "We are."  
  
"Alright." Gandalf began, "I am a..." He paused, "I am a Weather Goddess."  
  
The four friends stared at each him with blank faces for a second before they burst out laughing.  
  
"You? A goddess? That's a good one!" Frodo burst out between laughs.  
  
"Thanks, we needed a good laugh!" Pippin cried.  
  
Merry just kept pounding on the table unable to control his laughing.  
  
"What? What is so funny?" Asked a very drunk Sam.  
  
They all stop laughing long enough to shove Sam into the nearest closet. The three then sat down and resumed laughing.  
  
"No I really am." Gandalf said.  
  
Everyone just kept laughing. Gandalf got mad and turned around to join Sam in the closet. The three Hobbits carried on a Hobbit conversation. Later they tried desperately to open the closet door but to no avail. They only succeed in making Gandalf madder. The three told Gandalf that they would be outside when he decided to come out. Frodo, Merry, and Pippin walked out the door, hearing slight moans as they left.  
  
Outside Frodo pulled out some pipe-weed and handed it to his cousins. Unfortunately it was all blown away by the wind. They sat in sorrow, watching the hobbit children play and get lost in the tall grass. Gandalf walked out slowly looking very tired, his robes on backward. He sat on the bench next to them in deep, wizardly thought. Merry and Pippin decided to mess with Gandalf. While calling him the Weather Goddess they begged him to make the wind stop. After doing this five or six times Gandalf got mad and rose up from the bench.  
  
"Shut-up and get away you freaky...freaky...short things!" He yelled.  
  
"Oh look, the Weather Goddess is mad." Frodo laughed.  
  
"All right! You asked for it!" Gandalf screamed. He lifted his arms and the wind picked up. Loose leafs flew around and the Hobbit children disappeared.  
  
"Boy it's getting quite gusty out here guys. Let's go in, I can provide us with hours of entertainment." Merry yelled.  
  
Pippin and Frodo looked confused but agree. They all tried to go against the strong wind, while staring at Gandalf with his arms still raised high. The sky grew dark and it began to rain.  
  
Frodo looked up into the sky and his big, beautiful eyes got wide with terror. "Look!" he screamed at the others as a dark funnel cloud whirled toward them.  
  
"Quick, to the pole, grab on!" Pippin screamed, barely heard over the sound of the wind.  
  
They all rushed forward to the pole holding the laundry line. Pippin and Merry took off their belts and tied themselves to the pole. Frodo, who had no belt, held onto them for dear life. The rain began to make their hands slippery and that's how Merry and Pippin let go of Frodo.  
  
So here we are, Frodo had been sucked away from the two and flung into the tornado that Gandalf created. (Warning: extreme violence just ahead.)  
  
Merry and Pippin were still connected to the pole by their belts. Their legs were being pulled off the ground and into the dark sky. They held each other tightly. Pippin looked up and saw a massive trash can lid hurling toward his head.  
  
*Gasp* *RIP* His head was torn off and sucked into the tornado.  
  
Merry was now alone except for the body of his beloved cousin and Gandalf, who had began to advance toward him. Quickly Merry fuddled to undo his belt buckle but it was too late, Gandalf took out Glamdring and cut off his arms and legs. After which he cut the belt still holding the flaying body of Pippin. Much pleased with himself he cut the belt of Merry who too was hurled into the tornado. He bled to death inside. The tornado tore apart Bag End flinging Sam into the air. Gandalf felt sorry to kill off his friend Sam.  
  
As for Frodo, the tornado ended and he was dropped from 1,000 feet in the air over Farmer Maggot's field. As plummeted to his death he wondered what had befallen Merry and Pippin. He knew he would never find out because he had about 20 seconds to think his last thought. But as he got closer to the ground he discovered he would be landing on a soft pile of sheep wool. He sighed in relief until a big gust of wind blew him over and he land on a sharp, metal fence post. The post went through his chest killing him instantly. Gandalf came out of nowhere and walked over to Frodo and put a giant 'G' on Frodo's forehead with Glamdring. He turned away and smiled.  
  
As Gandalf was walking away feeling very pleased with himself, Sam fell out of the sky and onto him like a sack of potatoes, crushing his old, frail body. Sam felt badly and wanted to lay his friend to rest. He lifted Gandalf into his arms. After walking through the cornfield he came upon the body of his Master. As soon as Sam saw what Gandalf had done to him, he threw Gandalf down and rammed Glamdring through Gandalf's chest. Afterwards, Sam did the same to himself, as he did not want to live a life without his beloved Master. That was the end of them all.  
  
*****  
  
I'm sorry to have killed them but I was in an evil mood when I wrote this. Please rate and ALL flames are welcome 


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